


When you lose your way

by ll_bells_ll



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Acceptance, Accidents, Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Coming Out, Confessions, Cutting, First Kiss, Gen, Happy Ending, High School, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues, Shitty Friends, abandoned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2019-11-17 14:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18099920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ll_bells_ll/pseuds/ll_bells_ll
Summary: When Simon was forced out of closet, he hoped at least Blue and his friends would be there to support him. When he finds himself alone unexpectedly, it becomes too much to handle. How does he cope with the sudden 360 his life have taken?





	1. Like a slap on my face.

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: THIS FICTION CONTAINS MENTION OF DEPRESSION, SELF DEPRECIATING THOUGHTS, SELF HARM, ABUSE (MENTAL & PHYSICAL).
> 
> The point of view changes between Simon and Bram mainly. There will be occasions when another point of view will be added.

_SIMON SPIER'S OPEN INVITATION TO ALL DUDES_

_Dear all dudes of Creekwood,_

_With the missive, I hereby declare that I am supremely gay and open for business. Interested parties may contact me directly to discuss arrangements for anal buttsex. Or blue-jobs. But don't give me blue balls. Ladies need not apply. That is all._

I couldn't peel my eyes of the screen. The words cutting into me like a sharp blade. How could Martin do this? How is it my fault that he couldn't woo a girl? I pulled my hair tightly and let out a scream before shutting the laptop with a thud. Why? Why? Why? Why did it have to turn out like this? How could someone stoop low?

Even with all these thoughts racing in my mind, I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that kept creeping up my spine. “Blue.” I picked up my phone to check if there were any mails from him. He won't be back until tomorrow and I don't know what I will do once he sees the post. I know for sure that he'll cut all the contacts with me. Well, that'll be good. At least he won't be dragged down by a loser like me. He doesn't deserve that. When tiny droplets of water fell on the screen, I slid a finger lightly on my cheeks. I hadn’t realized I was crying. Everything just felt numb. No, Blue doesn't deserve a loser like him. He was too good and pure and I will only taint it.

“Are you okay?” Nora’s soft voice made me jump slightly. When did she enter the room?

My phone kept on pinging with notifications. I... I can't. I don't have the strength to look at them. All I could do is ignore. I'm sorry guys, but I can't do this now. Not now, and maybe not even any time soon.

“Y-yes.” I stood up, shoving my hands into the jeans pocket.. “No, nothing is alright.” I kicked a box that was near my feet. I just wanted to break something, anything. Every breath felt agonizing, my body felt blazing hot like fire was spreading through my veins instead of blood. 

“I saw the post.” She wringed her hands together, voice slightly trembling. She was on the verge of crying. Is she ashamed of me too? Tears ran down her face, “You could’ve said something Simon” just what I needed, another accusation. I almost screamed it out. Trying not to pull my hair out and scream on her face.

“Why would that matter?” I was on the verge of losing it. "Can you just leave me alone?" my voice trembled with barely held back sobs. I didn’t know how long I could keep myself in check.  _'Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone'_ I chanted in my head willing her to listen. Am I going insane? 

"I'm sorry." She just nodded and left. I could hear her sobs, hiccuping in between. Just as the door to my room closed, the restraints of on my tears loosened. It felt like my heart was being torn apart, slice by slice, inch by inch. I curled into a tight ball, hysteric sobs wracking my body. I didn’t care that I was lying on the floor. I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

The thought of facing everyone chilled my body with a fear I have never felt before. Will my friends understand me? What will Blue do when he comes to know how careless I was with our mails? He put his heart and soul in those mails. He trusted me and I couldn’t even protect that trust. If I had been a bit more careful then this wouldn’t have happened.

“This is entirely your fault, Simon. You deserve this and much more.” I rubbed my chest as a sudden stab of pain kicked me. “You mess up everything. And now you might lose the only person you ever loved with everything you had. And you don’t have anyone else to blame. It’s all on you Simon. Hope you sleep well knowing that.” I mumbled to myself, tears running down my face, over and over again till that was the only thought in my mind. Was my lung going to give out? Why is it suffocating all of a sudden? And as blackness danced around my eyes, I heard the ping of a new email.

“Blue.” A whimper left my lips as my mind succumbed to the monsters that I let loose. My eyelids felt heavy as it slowly dragged over my eyes, plunging my word into darkness. I hope I won’t wake up tomorrow.


	2. A friend in need is a friend indeed?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon meets his friends before school, after avoiding them for the whole vacation. Are they going to understand him and support him?

I hid myself in my room for the whole vacation, crying myself to sleep, only going out to eat. To say that my parents were worried is an understatement. But I don’t know why, they decided not to ambush me with their usual concerned questions and for that I was glad. I couldn't even fathom the love I felt for my sister at this point. Even though Nora’s initial reaction was heartbreaking she covered for me in ways only she could. Sneaking oreos into my room knowing that might be the only food I would eat willingly, letting me cry into her lap when nightmares were too much to handle.  In a matter of days she went from being my little sister to an elder sister.

Every single day since the creeksecret post was a nightmare. My phone was constantly buzzing with messages and calls, none which I attended. My thoughts were jumping between constant nightmares I will face in school to Blue leaving me once he gets to know about all this. He was still with his father, away from the mess my life have created, into which I dragged him. At least he will be spared from the harsh burn for a while. Call me stubborn, I was pushed into this situation against my wishes, but I refuse to answer the questions till I prepared myself to face the world again. Ready or not, that day was today.

I dragged my slumped form towards the mirror, each step heavier than the last. Dragging a tired hand over my face, I looked at the person staring back at me. I couldn’t control the scoff that left my lips. The dark blue under my eyes stood in contrast with my skin, eyelids puffy and hair messier than usual. I looked like a total wreck.

“So much for getting ready to face the world.” I took a deep breath, pulling my hands through the hair, and walked into the bathroom, a hot shower was the only thing that seemed interesting at the moment.

“Si, come sit here,” My mom called out as I went to take the burrito Nora made. I know they want to talk to me. “Yeah. Come on. It’s been quite a while since we all had breakfast together,” this time it was Dad who decided to try. But I couldn’t find the strength to face them right now. Not like this. Not when they have no idea what is happening in their son's life.  Call me a coward, I don’t care, I just can’t tell them something like this over a breakfast like 'Guys, the burrito is amazing. And oh I forgot to mention I am gay!'. Not when my mind was still trying to accept the fact that my secret was no longer a secret.

“I am getting late. I’ll see you guys after school.” I mumbled out and grabbed the burrito before storming out. I could feel their worried, sad eyes following me, but it was getting too suffocated in there. The air suddenly heavy with tension.

"Calm down!" I rubbed my chest tightly, wincing when a sudden stab of pain kicked in. "Everything's going to be alright," I whispered to myself. I am already dreading this day.

                                                                                                                        _000_

Simon took the familiar turn to Nick’s house. He had been avoiding them all over the course of the vacation. He didn’t know how to explain everything to them. About him being gay, about martin, the blackmail, Blue. His breath hitched when he thought about Blue. He will be coming back today. He was terrified of losing him. He could only hope that his worries were for nothing. Pushing away his thoughts to a far corner of his heart, he pulled up in front of nick’s house. He saw Leah, Abby and Nick waiting there for him. Something in their expression seemed off and Simon couldn’t shake the feeling of dread squeezing his lungs. He quietly came out of his car and walked towards them.

“Hey guys” he tried to be normal, but it wasn’t working - clearly. All three looked like they took a sour pill. It took Simon a second to notice how Nick and Abby was standing close to each other and how their fingered were entwined. So they definitely know what he did.

“How could you Simon?” It was Nick who posed the question. His hands still twined with Abby’s, he took a step forward pointing a finger at Simon. “You lied to me.” He hissed, a mask of disgust finding its way to his face. "I was always truthful to you. I told you how much I liked Abby and still you did this. How could you?"

“Guys… Pl-please l can explain” 

“EXPALIN WHAT?” Abby’s voice was filled with so much anger that Simon took a step back involuntarily.  “Explain how you played with our feelings? How you lied to us, to keep Nick away from me? How you tried to set me up with Martin?” Abby was poking Simon now. Each thrust harder than the last.

“G-Guys” Simon gulped thickly, throat suddenly dry. “I was being blackmailed. Martin said he’ll out me if I didn-“

“So you thought to keep your secret and let us, your best friends, suffer because you were a coward to tell us what was happening? Wow Spier, I must applaud you for this” Leah’s voice rang in his head, echoing around the void his mind had conjured up in the last few days.

“Leah-“ he rubbed his palm on to his jeans as he tried to string the words together.

“Don’t Leah me, Spier. You let me go on a date with Nick when you knew Nick liked Abby. I didn’t think you would stoop so low,” her voice dipped towards the end, words merely a whisper.

Simon felt like he was being punched again and again over the same wound. And Leah calling him Spier screamed a million words to him than what the other three could ever manage to say.

“I’m sorry” and it seemed that was the only thing he could muster up.

“Whatever. Leah, I’ll drop you,” Nick called out as he started his car.

“Hope all this made you happy” with that Abby and Leah left him on the side walk without a backward glance.

The car sped away as his eyes became blurry. ‘Hope all this made you happy’ it bounced back and forth in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the support I received for this story. I know it's been quite a few days since the first update. Hope you guys will like this chapter too.


	3. Back in the real world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The unexpected turn of events in school. For better or for worse?

He didn't want to leave the safe haven of his car. The dread was finally seeping through the numbness that had devoured his heart.

His heart was pounding as he took one step after the other. His instincts were screaming at him to turn back and run. But he was determined. It's now or never. Some students in the corridor gave him disgusting looks and whispered to each other, some girls came up to him and hugged him saying they supported him no matter what. And then there were others who gave him a slight smile of encouragement.

From his peripheral vision, he saw his now ex-best friends staring at him as he walked down the corridor like some kind of show piece in a circus. With a defeated sigh he pressed the combination to unlock his locker when a large presence made his body stiffen. Just as he was about to have a panic attack, the familiar face of Garrett came into his view. Seeing a huge smile on Garrett's face Simon let out a breathe that he didn't know he was holding.

"Hey Simon," his exuberant character was just as same as it had always been.

"Hey," Simon managed a weak smile in return.

"Don't worry. I am not going to turn into some flesh eating monster just because you are special." Garrett held Simon's shoulder in a reassuring way.

"Special?" Simon's voice held hesitation and doubt. 

"Yeah. You are special that's why you are different from all of us. And no matter what others say you'll always be a great friend to me," Garrett helped Simon pick up a book the latter dropped during Garrett's explanation.

Simon didn't know how to react. He was the first person to treat him like  before. He couldn't stop the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes.

"Don't cry. These assholes watching you don't deserve to see it," he motioned Simon to walk. "And if someone gives you any trouble, just give me a call," he rambled on and on and Simon didn't know how to thank him.  And now there was this guilt in him for not getting to know Garrett more. How did he miss someone like this? That too when they had been having lunch on the same table every day. And he was determined to let Garrett know that he was deeply touched by what he is doing for him.

"Is Bram not here?" Simon asked suddenly. What the fuck? Where did that come from?

"Uuuhh-" 

"Am sorry. Usually you guys arrive and leave together. So..." Simon stuffed his hands into his hoodie pocket and turned to look at Garret. "I had been an asshole all these time for not investing time into building our friendship. And now when everyone have basically abandoned me, you are here chatting to me like nothing happened at all. I don't know how to thank you for this." his voice was barely a whisper, eyes downcast as he pushed out more words. 

"It's-"

"If it's pity, please don't do this. I don't think I'll be able to handle that."

"Simon," Garrett mirrored Simon's action and stuffed his hands into his jeans pocket. "I-" he shook his head before continuing, "I don't pity you, Simon. I don't think this is something to be pitied about. This is you. Who you are sexually attracted to doesn't make you any different from others. Okay?" Garrett asked softly. He knew Simon was in need of encouragement and company, not pity or distance. 

Simon took a deep breathe before looking back up at Garrett and nodding.

"Good. And about Bram," he slightly dragged Bram's name like he knows something Simon didn't. "He is not back from his father's place after the holidays. He'll be back to school tomorrow."

Simon nodded and came to an abrupt stop in front of a class. "Thank you for walking with me. I was dreading this so much," he muttered defeated.

"Anytime dude. I'll see you at lunch?" 

Simon nodded before entering into a suddenly silent class. Ignoring everyone's whispers and the word 'fag' thrown around, he kept his head down willing the day to be over soon. But it was only the beginning.

As lunch time rolled around, Simon was mentally and physically exhausted. He lost the count of how many times he heard someone one throwing the degrading words at him. All he wanted was to lock himself in his room and talk to blue about everything that is happening. Only Blue can help him calm his fears. He checked his mail time and again, but no new mail from Blue. Did he decide not to bother with a message when he realized I am Jacques? Or he is not back from where he is?

Lost in his own thoughts, Simon didn’t register the sudden silence that filled the canteen when he walked in. When he noticed this, he kept his head down and shuffled to the food counter to take his food. He checked around and saw his ex-best friends looking away from him. He could feel a huge rock crushing his heart when he saw the slight disgust on their face. He moved to a nearby empty table and sat down, wishing to be invisible or that he had the courage to face everyone.

Just as he was about to put the first piece of fries into his mouth, some music filled the canteen grabbing everyone’s attention. To his growing horror, he saw two guys dressed like himself and the only other openly gay kid, Ethan, grinding without actually touching and moaning in vulgar way. He looked around the room and saw everyone staring at him like they wanted him to create a scene. His eyes eventually found his ex-best friends and his heart sunk all the way to the floor when he saw a slight joy in their eyes masked with disbelief. He felt sick. They were supposed to support him right? Did he mess up their friendship so much that they found joy in his harassment? He felt like he was going to empty his stomach just from the thought of it. Pushing down the emotions that started to eat at him, he looked away from them. His stomach churned as he looked back at the show the two guys were putting on.

Before he knows it, his feet were taking him to the table where the boys were mocking him. “Do you have anything to say to me?” he asked bravely. Was he feeling brave, or was it just the adrenaline talking? Either way he could hear himself repeating the same question louder when the other two pretend they couldn’t hear him.

“Alright, now get down from there!” Ms. Albright’s voice boomed in the canteen as she switched off the song.

Simon just drowned out rest of the yelling from his teacher and walked back with his head down. Leaving, his food on the table, he simply grabbed his back and walked towards the library. He wanted to be alone and he was thankful that the librarian didn’t say anything even though he knew it was because of pity.

His phone pinged with a new message as he found himself a secluded spot by the left corner of the library.

 _“Where are you?”_ It was from Garret.

_“Library”_

_“What happened? My coach kept me occupied with some work for the tryouts next week.”_

_“It’s nothing. I just wanted to be alone.”_

_“I heard what happened in the canteen. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”_ He could feel how sorry Garrett was.

_“Not your fault”_

With that he switched off his phone rested his head on his hands that were folded on the table. Sleep wasn’t too far away this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all the lovely readers who supported me. You guys are amazing. I will try to update the next chapter as soon as possible. I had decided to end this story in 10 chapters. There are chances it might extend to 12-15 chapters. Hope you guys are okay with that. Once again thank you all for taking out a portion of your time to read this story. I appreciate it so much.
> 
> P.S: Sorry for the spelling and grammatical errors in these three chapters.


	4. The fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things couldn't get worse, right? Or so did Simon think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! I am so sorry for this delay. I was down with fever and my brain decided to shut down completely. Now that my head is working again, I'll be posting regularly.
> 
> Thank you so much for being so amazing and patient.

* * *

 F _rom: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com_

_To: bluegreen118@gmail.com_

_Date: Jan 06at 09:18 PM_

_Subject: I am so sorry._

_Dear Blue,_

_I know that by now you have seen the creeksecrets post. And that you know who I am. I don't even know how to apologize for the mess I've created. I want you to know this from me than from some one else.Martin had been blackmailing me all this while, to out me, if I didn't help him to get close to Abby. He got the screenshot of our mail. I wanted to tell you about this but I knew you'll freak out and cut all contacts with me. I was scared to my wits. Even though I didn't want to help him I had to, so that he won't leak the screenshots. And now it doesn't matter because he posted on creeksecrets about me being gay._

_Everything is falling apart. It's like no one wants me around them anymore. I made my best friends hate me and they are right in doing so. I messed with their life and I had no right to do that no matter what situation I was in._

_I miss you freaking so much. More than words could convey. All this happened due to my carelessness. Please don't leave me. I won't be able to survive that._

_Love,_

~~_Jacques_ ~~ _Simon._

He hit send and blew out a breathe he was holding. All he could do to not break down was to run into the bathroom and splash his face with water and take deep gulps of air. 

''It's going to be alright. Everything's going to be fine." he murmured to himself before squaring his shoulders and leaving his room. He had one more thing to take care of before he tended to his wounds.

The kitchen was a chaos. Nora trying some new experiments and Dad helping her like an assistant. He felt the bile rising in his throat. He didn't want to think how their expression is going to change when he tells them his secret.

"Si," Emily called from the couch, effectively pausing the mutterings and clank in the kitchen. "Come on, sit with me." She patted the spot to her on the couch and shifted slightly.

Before he decides to change his mind, he turned to his father and sister, "Guys could you join us?" He wrings his fingers together. He could feel the start of a panic attack. "I wanted to talk to you all about something" he finished quietly. Shaking himself mentally, he moved to the single seater, while Jack and Nora joined Emily.

Maybe Nora understood, because she nodded slightly with an encouraging smile. Fear was clawing at him but he refused to feed them now. He knew his parents were not narrow minded. They were as cool as any parent could be. 

He didn't register Jack was talking to him till they called his name a bit louder.

"Yeah, sorry" he tried to laugh it off. A pathetic attempt clearly.

"Si, is everything okay?" Emily asked carefully. She was afraid that her son might think it as her 'client attitude'.

He shook his head "Yes-no. No I wanted to tell you guys something."  

"Ooh I know. You are pregnant. No. You are gay." His dad jocked. He didn't blame him. His father always had a hard time with emotional topics. But this comment hurt him. And he didn't know how to continue.

"I am pregnant' he paused when Jack let out an ''I knew it'. "No. I am not. I am gay." There he said it. He couldn't take it back or go back to keep it being a secret. He was vulnerable and the silence that stretched after his confession was making him regret it; making him afraid of their reaction; scared of how things will be now that his secret is no longer a secret.

"Ooh!! So who was it? Was it the girl with the braces or the -" before he could finish the sentence Nora and Emily cut him.

"Dad what are you doing?" Nora was beyond perplexed. Her parents were the coolest and now her dad was saying that to her brother?

No one missed the look of horror on Simon's face after Jack's comment. He didn't know how to react. So he did what he best could - run. So he ran up the stairs to his room and bolted it shut. Just as the bolt was in place, his knees buckled, making him tumble on to the carpet in a sobbing, heaving mess.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

"What the hell was that?" Emily's voice had a tone of anger. She was not expecting the confession Simon made, but reacting to something so sensitive like that was just too much.

"I-I don't know. I didn't mean it to happen like that." Jack buried his face in his hands. "I messed it up so much."

As Emily, Nora and Jack pondered over what happened minutes back, they found themselves wondering how they could fail their son so much that he was this afraid to come out to them.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon was still on the floor, by the door. Soft hiccups filling the void his room had plunged into. His body was shivering slightly-from the cold or the anguish he didn't know. In the midst of his sobs and hiccups he heard the familiar ping from his phone indicating that he received a new email.  Ignoring his numb legs and toppling over the carpet a few times, he picked up his phone and opened it to see the notification of a mail from Blue. Wiping his face on the loose sleeves, that hung past his fingers, he clicked on the notification.

He body slumped on to the plush of his bed as he read the mail.

_From: bluegreen118@gmail.com_

_To: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com_

_Date: Jan 06 at 10:05 PM_

_Subject: Re: I am so sorry._

_Dear Simon,_

_I am not surprised or shocked to learn that you are you. I had guessed it way back - kind of. But I don't think I will be able to keep this up more. Please forgive me for doing this. I know you have your friends and family with you. I am so sorry, but I am not ready to come out. This hurts more than I can pen down in words. But I have to do it._

_I am deactivating this email._

_With tons and tons of Love,_

_Blue._

Simon stared at his phone screen, his eyes roaming over the words over and over again. His last hope - his Blue - left him too. Friends? Family? Did he have any of those left? Hardly noticing the phone slipping from his hands, he dragged himself to the bathroom.

His reflection was hardly recognisable for him. Tears streaming down his cheeks, lips and nose red, the bags under his eyes weighed a kilo. Pulling the palm of his hands over his face, he sighed heavily. His mind seemed to shut down, all he could feel was a dark void. Looking back at his reflection, he could feel himself shaking.

"Pathetic," he hissed at his own reflection. With a quick wipe, he knocked off all the content on the small shelf below the mirror. He knew he wasn't going to get any sleep that night. 

The whole night he lay awake, not blinking; limbs still. The only sign of life being the steady movement of his chest  and the steady flow of tears rolling downing his face. When the sun rose, spreading the golden light he comtemplacon how it'll feel to sleep now - not to wake up ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is up. I don't know how this chapter have turned out to be. My head is still a bit buzzing with the headaches I am having. I hope the chapter is up to the mark. If not, I do apologise for it. Share how you feel about this chapter and also any suggestions that could help me to improve my writing. Criticism is welcomed too. Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> P.S: Kindly ignore the spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. I have updated from my phone and the keypad was acting up, repeating some words unnecessary and I had a hard time finding those and remove them.


	5. From the other side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does things look from the other end of the thread?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: CONTAINS MENTION OF SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE ATTEMPTS

_"How's the vacation going?"_ Bram was sitting with his dad, conversing about trivial matters when he heard the ping.

His brows furrowed. He had been trying to find some network so he could mail Jacques, but with no such luck. And now in the middle of nowhere his phone pinged with a new message.

 _That is weird,_ he thought to himself as he opened the chat. "Garrett" he murmured as he hastily typed out a half hearted reply. Not that he didn't want to converse with his friend, But he wanted to check for new mails first. It's been a few days since he talked to Jacques and it was getting suffocating.

He doesn’t know when the emails became a part of him – a part he knew he wouldn’t be able to survive without. When he first received the mail after he posted about his big secret on creeksecrets anonymously, he chalked it up to 'screaming into the void' thing. But what he didn’t expect was a reply in the form of an email.  So like any other over thinking, scared teenager he chose to ignore it and even tried to delete it but he couldn’t. No matter what he did, his mind wandered back to that email. And finally seeking the courage to write back to the stranger he might know in real life. The rest, as they say, is history. Well, not that much but…yeah!

At first they they skirted around the topic of his Tumblr posts and the recent impromptu post. After the initial nerves the conversation flowed smoothly; sharing the parts of their life that they didn't even confide with their best friends. Not that they didn't trust them, but it felt like they wouldn't understand it that much. Though having someone on the same boat as yours helped them to trust each other. 

On some dark days, Jacques have went into details of how much the keeping, him being gay, a secret from his family was killing him. He had talked in lengths about how his dad's harmless jokes stopped him in tracks and sent his brain to a slow panic attack on some days. And without having a proper vent, how he had turned to cutting himself to supress the emotional turmoil that threatened to engulf him fully. Bram wished he could hold  the other boy and whisper how much he means to him and that he is not alone. But all he could do was cry for him sitting in front of his computer screen.

There was an unvoiced agreement to not talk about things that'll give away their real identities. Later Bram had told Jaques to avoid questions that'll make it easy to identify the other person, when he accidentally asked about his friends. It had nothing to do with not trusting the other to keep the secret, it's just..just the nerves acting up. What if the other wasn't as accepting when they realise who the other person is. And that was not just Bram's worry. Jacques had the same fear. Did that stop them from trying to search for the others or leaving tiny clues in the emails so the other can search? No. As much as they were afraid, they wanted to know who the other was.

And at this point he didn't think it mattered anymore. Even though Bram was sure about Jacques feelings, he didn't simply assume and force that on the other. For Bram it was clear though; he was falling for his internet friend. 

Back to the real world, Bram scrunched up his face in worry when he didn't find any new emails from Jacques. He had his suspicions about who Jacques is but he never brought it up - not wanting to scare the other boy. And then his suspicions brought him to the thoughts of Simon. The boy with moon gray eyes and who has an obsession to oreos. It was the small things that planted the suspicions and yeah... maybe his secret crush on Simon played a part too. 

Bram had a crush on Simon from the first time they met. Even though they were friends and had lunch together everyday he couldn't muster up the courage to tell the shorter boy about his feelings. Above that Bram wasn't sure if Simon was gay... or bi for that matter. So he kept his mouth shut. Then came Jacques. It was quite easy to project Jacques on to Simon. Their obsession for oreos, the similar manner of talking and also the not so coincidental matter of dating girls before and then staying friends with them when he understood he couldn't do it. 

Then again he could be simply seeing what he wanted to see. The guilt was not pretty either. He was trying to fit Jacques into someone else. What if Jacques was not Simon? Then what will he do? So he gently pushed aside his observations and kept his phone aside to listen to what his father was saying.

Bram and his father didn't have that much of a cosy relationship. After the divorce and eventual remarriage to another womanj, without even wanting to, Bram felt himself distancing himself from his father. So when he was given the option to send the holidays with him, he jumped at the opportunity. He didn't regret the decision though, he missed his father and it felt good to know that his father wanted to spend time with him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! It's been a month since my last update. It had been a crazy month. Some issues at my work place, bad health and an erratic sleep schedule had thrown me off the loop. And on the happy note, I'll be posting regularly.  
> This might come off as a filler chapter, I am not sure. But I might end up editing the chapters. Haven't decided yet. Let me know what you think about this update (criticism about the work are welcome)
> 
> Did you guys watch Avengers: Endgame?


	6. And it's tumbling down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as Bram thought everything was going to go smoothly. His fragile hope came tumbling down like a house of cards.

Why was he so nervous, he didn't know. Well... It would be highly ignorant of him if actually believed that. He knew the precise reason for his nervousness and he wasn't sure how to face that.. His eyes were roaming through the sea of students chattering in the hallway. The noise drowning out his screaming thoughts, dulling the headache that refused to leave him from yesterday. 

As he opened his locker, he overheard a bunch of kids chatting.

"Did you see that post in Creekscrets about Simon Spier?" one of the guys in the group whispered.

"OMG yes. It was do brutal" a girl whispered dramatically, covering her mouth and all.

And just like that the headache was back and so was the now familiar ache in his heart.

He came back from his vacation yesterday and was smacked with tons of notifications. So much that he had to keep his phone on silent. Before he could unpack and get settled, his phone rang, with Garrett's name flashing, with a goofy picture of him laughing around the field. 

"Did you see the post on Creekscrets?" He sounded breathless, like he just ran a triple marathon.

"No. I just reached home. I haven't even checked my phone properly."

"Check Creekscrets right now. You want to see this, trust me." Garrett's mom was calling him in the background. "And don't freak out. Call me once you read it." And he disconnected the call without waiting for a reply.

Freak out? Creekscrets post? What the hell happened in the span of some days? Shaking his head, he cleared the notifications and opened tumblr. It was like a train wreck. Unapologetic, harsh and deadly.

He didn't know what to think of it. One moment everything was going smoothly and then just like a switch flipped, his life was a chaos. A chaos he couldn't share with anyone. The only person with whom he could've shared it with, is in between the whole mess, his world a broken vase.

He scrolled past the comments section, some in support and most in disgust and anger. With shaking fingers, he opened his mail and clicked on the unopened mail from Jacques.

His eyes rolled over the words, over and over again. Relief, happiness and dread creeping into his heart all at once. Air too thick to breathe and vision hazy.

Simon is Jacques. The boy on whom he had a crush on, from the first moment he saw him , was the same guy he fell in love with over emails. Was this even possible? Hurriedly, he started to type in a reply, fingers suddenly freezing as he typed in the first sentence.

What was he supposed to tell him? What if someone finds out who Blue is? How will Simon react when he knows he is Blue? As the insecurities started to claw it's way into his heart, his fingers worked on autopilot and crafted am email and send it to Simon before his mind caught up with his actions. Just as he read through his reply, his hands shook and he dropped the phone like it burnt him.

What the hell was wrong with him? How could he just leave Simon in such a messy situation? Was his insecurities that strong? As Bram struggled with his own conscience, he jumped when the phone rang again. Disconnecting the call, he switched it off and hid it under the pile of clothes in his suitcase. 

Simon had his friends and family by his side. He tried to calm his shivering body, hiding under the duvet and curling in tightly, sobbing freely as the sweet smile of Simon flashed in his mind.

Curling in on himself tighter, he sobbed. Sobbed for Simon, for his cruel mail, for letting his insecurities get the better of him and for not telling Simon about his truth. So he cried and cried until his body was too exhausted to keep him concious.

And now he stands infront of his locker, head pounding and a pissed of best friend marching towards him. 

"I told you to call me back" Garrett hissed.

"I.."

"Then you disconnect when I call, and switch off your cell. How fucking dare you?" Bram could see a few students staring at them. Garrett was always the happy person, and seeing him mad enough to run someone over with a care, was unnerving.

"I am sorry" Bram's voice was just above a whisper. His whole being was 100 feet buried under the sea of guilt and Garrett's anger was just pulling him deeper. 

"Come" and Garrett walked away, his intention for Bram to follow clear. Just as they reached the unoccupied part of the garden, Garrett rounded on him again.

"What did you do?" 

"I.." Bram tightened his hold on his backpack, lowering his head, "I deleted my mail". Bram jerked his head up when he heard Garrett take in a harsh breath.

"Wha-?"

"That explains it"

"Explain what?" What was he missing?

"Simon was humiliated infront of the whole school yesterday. And his so called best friends didn't even bother to even offer a kind smile. The assholes" Seeing Garrett so angry for Simon was a sight. But that was not the point. 

"Humiliated?" What the heck? And his friends didn't support him?

Just as Garrett finished with what happened in the cafeteria, he could feel his blood boiling,guilt  clawing in him and anxiety gripping his heart. Before he could voice anything, they heard a car screech to a halt and another one ramming into the first one.

Bram's breath caught in his throat as he recognised the now bashed car.

"SIMON" he heard himself screaming, his legs taking him towards the bashed car, as others stood frozen from what just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! I know it's been long and i promised regular updates. And i am really sorry about the delay. I was nose deep in my work and wasn't getting enough time even to rest properly. I was detached from everything in a way that had me worrying for myself. 
> 
> But here is a new update. And i'll try my best to update regularly and not disappear. Thank you all for reading this story and supporting me. You guys are the best!!


	7. Crash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the crash was like a hurricane, leaving only shrads of what could've beens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of accident scenes and blood. 
> 
> And a huge thank you to my beta Mrgoodbar. You are an angel.

All he could concentrate on was the blackness that was slowly covering his visuals. Sounds of people screaming for someone was there but muffled and far away. Was someone calling his name? He wasn't sure. Everything was a blur and he could feel his mind giving into the darkness, pulling at it with a steady strength that was scary yet calming. At least something was steady in his life for once. The thought sent an unexpected wave of sadness through him. Before he could make something of it, he was already falling deeper into the abyss

\---

The car's door was caved in, trapping Simon's hand in between the steering wheel and the door in an awkward angle. His face was covered in blood from a cut on his forehead, and his nose broken. Students were running around trying to find help as some tried to call the ambulance. As Garrett tried to pull out the door, Nick and Leah joined him. Abby was talking to Simon, her voice breaking with hiccups, as she tried to not let him fall into unconsciousness. In all this madness, Bram stood there, shocked. His body refusing to move. It was like he was frozen and the only thing he could manage was to let his tears flow

\---

"Bram… Bram..." He heard his name being called, but all he could concentrate on was Simon. Cute Simon, with a cute smile and his infinite love for Oreos. The guy who was there when he couldn't share his insecurities with others. The guy whom he abandoned, just hours back. How could he?

"Bram," he was being shaken, spoken to, but all his brain could register was Simon. Simon, Simon, Simon, like a chant. "Bram... move. They have to take Simon." That shook him from the miserable pit of guilt he had immersed himself in. "Wha.." his throat closed as he saw Simon on the stretcher, being carried towards the ambulance.

"Garre-" His best friend didn't need more words to understand what he was trying to say.

"No, not now!" He pulled Bram towards the empty corner in the garden. "We can't go right now. You have to understand that."

"I don't want to understand. Please let me go." His hands were shaking, tears flowing. "I need to be with him. I need... I- I need to be with him. I-" He looked up at Garrett, broken and lost. "I need to be with him. Please." His voice was so small, his guilt and need clear. Bram was already turning around when Garrett held his hands.

"I know it's not the time for me to give a speech about how things turned out or about what happened. This is something you should know about if you are adamant on going to him now. Just don't make the same mistake again. You deleted the only contact he had with you and he didn't know who you were. He was barely holding on before that and I know this was what broke the camel's back. He… He tried-" Garrett cleared his throat and looked away from Bram. He knew Bram must've guessed by now, but he had to say it. "He attempted suicide." There he said it.

"What?" Bram couldn't believe it. Simon had promised him that he wouldn't do that. But Bram had promised not to abandon him either. A sob left his lips as he fell to his knees. What had he done?

"I walked in on him trying to-" He kneeled in front of Bram and held him close. "I can't erase the image of his broken look from my face. I was the one who suggested to him to skip school and take some rest. I came to you after that. We have to fix this." He slowly lifted Bram's face, all the while trying not to have a breakdown himself. "We will fix this right?" His voice was soft but determined. He wouldn't leave his friends to fall apart so brutally.

Bram nodded, hands coming up to wipe away the tears. "I want to go to the hospital. I will fix this, no matter how long it takes. I am not breaking my promise again." The determination in his voice was what Garrett was searching for in his best friend.

"Then let's go."

\---

Everything hurt. His head was throbbing painfully. His mind conjuring up invisible monsters.

Why was he restrained? His mind thrashing around the darkness like a wounded, caged animal. He could feel hands pressing on to his body. All he could muster was one whimper before he went into the darkness again.

When he started to regain his consciousness, he could feel a painful throbbing from his left shoulder. As his thoughts became clearer, he could remember the accident. He felt his eyes watering. Why was he so unlucky that even he couldn't die?

"Si?" He heard a soft voice calling him. Was that mom? But she didn't care, right? Then how is she here? He tried to open his eyes once again, the sudden light stinging.

The light suddenly dimmed, and the surroundings became clearer. "Dad?" His throat felt sore.

"Wait... I'll get some water."

He was slowly moved to a sitting position. The water was cool, a contrast to how hot he felt.

"Thanks," he mumbled, as he was lowered back onto the bed.

"How are you feeling?" His voice was so soft. When was the last time his father talked to him in such a soft way?

"Fine."

"Are your hands hurting too much?"

"No."

That was a total lie. His hands were killing him, but he'd rather suffer this than talking about what he knew his father wanted to talk about.

"Oh!!" He could feel the nervousness pouring from him, but he decided to ignore it. This was the most rest he had gotten in a long time and all he wanted was some silence, to suffer.

"I am tired, Dad." He adjusted the comforter slightly, wincing when the movement sent a jolt of pain through his hands and head.

"Sleep dear." Jack nodded, tucked the comforter properly and dropped a kiss on his forehead before dimming the light and leaving.

Just before he slipped into sleep, he saw someone opening the door and entering before closing it on their back.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first attempt at writing a Simon/Bram fiction. Hope this comes out well. I'll be updating the next part as soon as possible. Hope you guys like it.


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